Setting healthy boundaries sounds so simple - I mean, you just close the computer and head home, right? You just tell your family you’re going for a walk and you head out the door! You just go to the grocery store and buy lots of fresh vegetables, and eat healthy!
I mean, how hard can this be?
Well, I’m sure you can relate - setting healthy boundaries can be challenging. And maintaining them can be even harder!
And yet, obviously, maintaining healthy boundaries, in all areas of life, is an essential skill for sustaining our physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual well-being.
Obviously this is an enormous topic, but let’s start with a concise list of fundamental strategies to set the foundation. Each of these could be unpacked into a topic of its own!
Take ownership of your choices:
Yup. It all starts with the fact - and I mean fact - that I am responsible for every single choice I make every day. I love to blame my boss, my wife, my kids, the dog - everyone and anyone I can think of - for my lack of boundaries. My boss made me stay late. My wife bought chocolate cake so I ate it. My kids needed help with their homework so I didn’t have time to exercise.
Nope. I could have told my boss that I’d complete it tomorrow. I could have asked my wife to not buy the cake, or decided to not eat it. I could have set a time with my kids to work on homework - right after my walk.
Every action I take is a consequence of choices I am making. It all starts there.
Identify your limits: Building on this foundation, the next step is to identify my own limits. If I’m not honest with myself about what makes me feel uncomfortable or stressed, or how much I can accomplish in a day, or how much self-discipline I do or don’t have, I’ll never be able to communicate these boundary requests to others. Identifying my own limits is the beginning of understanding what boundaries I need to set and where to draw the line.
Practice self-care: Setting healthy boundaries requires self-care. It’s about prioritizing time for yourself, your family, and your overall mental, physical and emotional well-being. Have you ever flown on a commercial flight? What do they tell you to do if the oxygen mask falls from the ceiling? “Put
your own oxygen mask on first.
Then assist others.” It’s not selfish - it’s the best thing for
everyone.
Understand your worth:
Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and that setting boundaries is a way to protect your well-being and honor your self-worth.
Change your behavior - not theirs: This is a tricky one. I constantly slip into thinking that in order to have healthy boundaries I have to change others’ behaviors. This is a trap!
In fact, setting healthy boundaries is about changing my behavior, not theirs.
I need to figure out what behavior I need to change, and then set my boundaries accordingly. I can ask my wife to not buy the cake, that's fine. But if she does, then it's up to me to not eat it!
I can tell my boss that I will be wrapping up work at 5pm, and request that she not give me assignments after that time. But it’s up to me to not keep working until 10pm!
Face the consequences: I know what you’re thinking: “But if I don’t work until 10pm to finish that assignment, my boss will be frustrated and he’ll give the promotion to Bob and then I’ll be expendable and then I’ll get fired and then we’ll be homeless!”
Really?
So many of my boundary issues stem from fear. Of course we don’t call it fear - we call it “concern” or “worry” - but it’s the same thing. I’m concerned my wife will be upset if we discuss the cake situation. I’m worried that my kids will be disappointed if I don’t help
Communicate assertively: Once I identify where my limits are, and I know what behavior I need to change myself, I now need to communicate these boundaries respectfully, and assertively, to others.
Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements, and be clear and direct about your needs, and explain why you’re changing your behavior. It’s not to spite them or to make them angry or cause them trouble. It’s to maintain your own health and wellbeing, and that of your family, and even your boss and colleagues!
“I will need to sign off at 5pm each day in order to support my family and help my kids with their homework.” is a healthy boundary statement, rather than, “Stop sending me assignments after 5pm!”. That blames my boss and abdicates my responsibility for my choices.
Explain your “why”: When you make a boundary request, or explain that you’ll be changing your behavior, don’t just make an abrupt pronouncement. Explain why you’re making the request and/or changing your behavior. “My dear, I would really appreciate it if you didn’t buy the cake, because I really struggle with self-discipline and I’m so tempted to eat the whole thing!”. “Hey kids, I won’t be helping you with your homework right when I get home, because I need to exercise first in order to maintain my health and sanity. Then I’ll help you at 7pm right after dinner!”
Be open to compromise: Don’t state your boundary request as a “demand” (unless the situation is severe, and you need to be more assertive and clear). Consider the other person's perspective and ideally, find a solution that works for both of you. A little empathy can go a long way: “I realize this means you won’t get the response as quickly, but I can assure you I’ll take care of it by Monday.”
Be consistent:
Consistency is key when it comes to maintaining healthy boundaries. Stick to your boundaries, even if it means saying no to something you would normally say yes to.
There will probably be some negative consequences at times - my boss may not be thrilled that I’m not finishing that task tonight, or my kids won’t be happy that I’m not helping them with their homework right away. But the long-term benefits to everyone are more important than the short-term cost.
Seek support:
Seek support from friends, family, a pastor, counselor or therapist if you need help setting boundaries. They can provide guidance and help you practice setting boundaries in a safe and supportive environment. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help - it’s a sign of strength! You’re not giving up, and you are asking for what you need.
Remember that setting healthy boundaries takes practice, and it's okay to make mistakes. Be kind and patient with yourself, and keep working towards creating a healthy and supportive environment for yourself, and therefore for others.
John Riordan
Mailing Address:
John Riordan and Associates
44927 George Washington Blvd #265
Ashburn, VA 20147